This is going to sound horrible to anyone reading this. But I blog to get things off my chest, not for anyone’s judgment or entertainment. So yo’ opinions don’t mattah here. ;)

I’ve been having boy troubles again. Boy troubles that are getting me unnecessarily stressed out. It’s because they’re not like anything I’ve dealt with before. Instead of me chasing this one guy and not knowing what the deal is with him, they’re are guys chasing me. And it’s not only that I don’t get what they see in me; it’s what I don’t see in them.

Guy #1. I’ve talked about him before - that guy who’s too afraid to talk to me but will talk to anyone he can about me. I never really had an opinion about him because I didn’t know him that well to form one. Well things have changed, kinda. He’s gotten the balls to talk to me more and more each day. However, my stance is unchanged. I still don’t know how I feel. I keep thinking that if I were to like him, I would’ve known by now. An endless amount of people tell me about how great of a guy he is and I’m sure he is! I just don’t think I see him in that way.

Muchacho numero dos. I started talking to him after the musical I was just in ended. We never really talked and then closing night, we swapped numbers and have been texting every so often. From what I picked up, he was friendly towards many girls. (No, that was not supposed to elude to him being a player. I merely mean that he is a very nice guy and always hugs people and holds hands with them.) So when that started happening with me, I thought it was the normal. Like I said, we were never really friends before so we just dove right into the flirting. Except the thing is, I didn’t know it was flirting. I thought it was casual and since he’s like that with so many girls, it doesn’t mean anything.Wrong.Recently, he’s been suggesting about us “hanging out” aka hooking up. And I don’t want to. I don’t feel that way about him. I love him as a friend, I think he’s adorable. But I’m not into him in that way at all and I don’t know how to stop talking to him enough so he gets the hint but still be friends with him. And it’s not like I can come out and say all this to him, talk about awkward.

The third boy. Well, I’ve surely mentioned him before. Remember all I said about a guy being out of my league, the athletic senior who can have anyone and blah blah blah blah blah? LOL well funny story, we kinda hooked up. Twice. And I realized recently, I don’t have feelings for him. He’s just one of those friends with benefits. Which sucks because I told myself I would never let myself be one of those. But that is totally what this is. And that’s where the problem comes in because with summer coming up, I don’t know if it’s something worth continuing or just calling it quits. Because last time we hooked up, he tried to go a lot farther than I wanted. Granted, he was kind of under the influence but that’s still no excuse. And I don’t want to be just another girl he can call up when he wants some. I should be a priority, not a settling.

Dude the Fourth. I shouldn’t even really count this one because nothing’s even happened with this kid. I just think he’s attractive and I feel like he thinks the same about me because not gonna lie, I feel like I’ve caught him staring at me during class some days. But we’ve never really talked, we just are starting to a bit now. But like previously, with summer coming, I don’t see us talking much especially because of the stage we’re at now. I don’t like him or anything, I don’t know him enough to decide. But he’s definitely someone I want to get to know. I just don’t know how.

Dis be numba five. Long story short, I don’t remember if I mentioned this anywhere earlier but my second closest guy friend at school asked me out around Thanksgiving break and I turned him down because I don’t see him in that way (wow, where have I heard that before). Things were a little awkward at first, but we’ve grown past it and we’re closer than ever. One of my best friends is totally crushing on him (to the point where I get annoyed). I never told her about our uh thing, whatever you want to call it. But lately especially, she’s been questioning me nonstop about him. What relationship we have. Has anything happened between us. And what’s worse is that she’s getting other people to ask me about him too. Honestly, even if there was anything going on, which there is, it’s our business and if we don’t want to tell you, we are not required by any means to. And the problem with this is, I think he may still like me. Which is tough because not only now do I not have mutual feelings, I have to worry about those of my best friend is anything were to ever come out. Part of me doesn’t even care if she finds out anything. Because he’s my second closest guy friend and I’m gonna keep him around. I love him dearly and it’s not like I can control his feelings, only mineif that.

Sixth Sir. This annoying love-him-but-hate-him-but-totally-love-attention-from-him guy at work decided a little while back to tell a semi-new kid that I have a thing for him. And for that reason, I think the semi-new kid (let’s call him Jason) actually believes that. Prior to the love him/hate him boy told Jason this, we were chill and talked occasionally. Post that rumor getting out, Jason has bee all over me, asking when I work next, always being the one to walk me to my car, hugging me one of those deep, meaningful, lasting hugs. I’ve already had a thing with a co-worker and because that was the biggest fucking mistake of my life, I do not want to repeat that. Plus, I don’t even find him attractive.

Hypocritically Seven, Eight and Nine. I know I just said above that I don’t want to get involved with anyone at work again. Well that’s why these three other boys get a number because I work with them all and I absolutely love them. They’re so great and I’m intrigued into knowing who they are as people. But still, I need to keep that line between job and pleasure.

So there we go. Those are all my boy problems I think at the moment. And this is where I stand: I feel like I’m leading them all on. That I’m flirting with them and making them think they’re so special to me when in reality, I don’t have feelings for any of them. And the thing is, I don’t do it on purpose. My friend says I’m a flirt without knowing it. And maybe that’s true. I guess I don’t know how to talk to guys then without flirting. If that’s what I’m doing. But I want to stay talking to all of them because they’re all so great but I don’t want them to think I have feelings for them. But how do you get that message across without making things awkward?

When I was thinking about things a bit ago, I realized that I haven’t liked anyone in so long. And you can call me out on this all you want but when I reflect on it, it’s true. So maybe I posted a while back about how I like this guy or that. But thinking about it now, I didn’t like them. I was merely attracted to them, I’m pretty sure. I could never see myself with them. I haven’t felt butterflies for a while. No guy has ever put me on edge, made me feel uneasy and worth impressing like a guy that you’re crushing on should make you feel. I didn’t get nervous or tongue-tied or totally middle school girl when they were around.

The fast approach of summer makes me worried a bit. No longer will I have the excuses of school or work always to not hang out with guys when they ask. I don’t want to be put in any situations where I have to turn someone down and ruin our relationship.

I’m sick of being in the in-between. The middle of the spectrum is not somewhere to play. I want to be firmly on one end or the other - single with no chasing guys and totally free to live my life or taken by one guy and one only, where we were only pursuing each other and no one else got in the way. This is just a mess. I don’t know. This whole post makes me sound like a skank that’s “complaining” about how many guys are chasing after her. But honestly, this isn’t me. When I say I don’t mean to cause any of this, I’m telling the truth.

Well there’s no need to convince anyone of anything. All I know is this summer needs to be awesome and I hope nothing gets in the way of that happening. This boy problems need to get straightened out. If only I knew how.

psychofactz:

More Facts on Psychofacts :)

This is supposed to be a random fact? Isn’t it just common sense?

See I’m not all that insane. This explains why I don’t sleep and only tumble at night usually.

The last couple of posts I’ve made have been complete messes. Not only have they all been typical teenage girl whining, but they don’t even make sense half the time. So I apologize to all reading them or even stuck seeing them on your dashboard. I hope they get better, more concise, and not ridiculous soon.

But then again, this is why I signed up for Tumblr in the first place. Sigh.

I don’t know how I’ve gotten through these past few weeks. With every single person at school talking about prom; what their dress looks like, how they’re doing their hair and makeup, who they’re going with, what table they’re sitting at. I’m just so sick of hearing about all of it. I smile and try to look excited for them, happy they’re going. Which I am but inside it just sucks. Every time it’s brought up, it’s like someone slapped me in my face. “Ha ha, you’re not going but let’s talk about it anyway.” Like a bragging way. Which I know, most of the time, it’s not that connotation at all. But that’s what it feels like.

Yes, I didn’t go to prom. And it shouldn’t be that big of a deal. I told myself from the beginning, and not just this year, like all the way back to freshmen year, that I wasn’t going to get worked up about it. That if I didn’t go, I wasn’t going to be bothered by it because it’sjuniorprom. I always thought prom is special for senior year. It’s one last huzzah you get to have with your class and should be kept that way. Other grades should not get one, but of course my school is one of the few that offers it to juniors. And that’s where the problem came. Even when prom season began, I was fine with not going. I knew I wasn’t going to because there was no one to ask me and I was fine with that. But one by one, each one of my friends got asked. They all bought their dresses. And in every class, that’d be the topic on everyone’s mind. That’s all they’d talk about. Through this all though, I stayed in my mindset that prom is for next year. Until I saw the opportunity to go.

I was told of the possibility that one of my closest guy friends at school was going to ask me. That he had the idea in his head and at this time, there was only around three days left to buy bids. I kept my hopes up, thinking there was a silver lining and that I might be able to go and spend the night making memories with my friends and enjoying one last bang with the seniors who I have grown so close to. But long story short, that reality slipped away. He asked someone else at the last moment leaving me with no one to go with. So here I was, stuck listening to everyone talk about how excited they were and counting down the days until the night finally came.

Well that night was tonight. I hung out with three of my good friends who also didn’t go. But no matter what we tried to keep our mind off things, the thought of prom always came back up. That we could be there right now. That the music we’re listening to, prom is probably listening to too. Pictures kept popping up on our Facebook newsfeed to admire dresses and hair and dates. It seems like every single upperclassmen went tonight except us. It was a hard night to bear.

And this just fucks with my self-esteem. I’ve been having major problems with it lately and this was just the icing to the cake. Whenever I look in the mirror, I can point out a million things wrong with me. My forehead is too big. My hair is thin and straight and boring. My nose is super awkward. My smile is disproportional to my face. My body is in no way something good to look at- I’m not in shape, especially not for summer. And not going to prom reinforced all these thoughts. That I’m not good enough for someone. I’m not worth spending the entire night with. I feel like every other person I know can go out and get someone without lifting a finger and I’m just left here convinced that I am in no way attractive.

Might as well get it out there.

I have this problem. A problem that I’m ashamed to admit. When I look at myself, I see nothing but fat. No beauty, just unnecessary body that I need to get rid of. So what have I done? I’ve stopped eating. But not starving myself exactly. It’s like, I’m never hungry. Or maybe that’s my excuse? But whenever lunch comes at school, I do my homework. I don’t get hungry anymore. I was able to pull off having to do homework as an excuse for not eating for a bit but then one of my friends starting catching on to what was really going on. She would force food upon me but the thought of eating made me sick. Like my mind has trained itself to not want food and be repulsed at the sight of it, making me not want it some more.

I feel like this is the only way I can try to measure up on the beauty scale. And truthfully, I feel like since I have recognized this as a problem, I won’t let it get out of hand. I won’t let myself get so sick that all you see is bones. But if I can use it to just be comfortable in my body this summer, what’s the harm? Like I said in a previous post,I don’t see the harm in it.I honestly don’t see what horrible effects it can have on me. I’m still living. I’m still healthy. I’m not passing out. If this can improve my image, that’s all I need. I can start eating again when I don’t have to worry about wearing bathing suits, tank tops, dresses.

I’m getting tired of the single life. Or at least, a single life with no flings or hookups. I need this summer to be a good one and to achieve that, I need to look good. Not eating is the only way anyone will be able to see me in a romantic way.

WARNING THIS IS GOING TO BE ANOTHER TYPICAL GIRL POST.

My mind has changed again. Remember those posts about wanting someone and being all mopey about guys and such? Yeah well that’s all gone. Tonight, again, I’ve switched mind gears. I’m all back to preaching about the single life.

Nothing happened exactly to make me realize this again. I mean maybe. I worked with three guys tonight, one of which was one of my ex-flings. He still has major feelings for me even after 6+ months, not to mention it was literally a two week thing. I guess this contributed some to my new philosophy. Because I noticed how much I don’t care for him anymore. Haha, is that bad? Not like I don’t care what happens to him or anything, just like… He still really likes me. And I have no feelings for him whatsoever. And this made me think of other guys. I don’t have feelings toward anyone. I haven’t for a while. And now that I think about it, I haven’t actually liked someone since freshmen year. Sure, I’ve been attracted to people but I honestly can’t say I have liked someone for three years. But that’s a story in itself, maybe I’ll get into it some other day. Back to the point on hand.

I don’t get butterflies around anyone. Some guys make me feel good with their words but I don’t get the whole nervous-when-I-see-him-can’t-form-sentences-because-my-tongue-is-tied-heart-is-racing-a-million-miles-per-hour feel. And I don’t need to. I don’t need to feel that. Sure, it’d be nice but it’s not something that’s crucial to living. I’m in high school, there is no need to look around for love because honestly, I know it will be over when I go to college. There is no chance of having a high school sweetheart because long distance relationships never work (props if you’re in one right now) and I know for a fact that I’m moving west in a year so what’s the point?

People focus on different things when they’re in high school: grades, sports, parties, love. We are all trying to find our place, how we fit in. Love is not something I need to be in search of. I always strongly believed in the quote about letting love come to you instead of going to look for it. Sometimes though I just lose sight of that. I think the reason for my last desire to have someone spurred from the whole factor of prom. It seemed like all my friends were being asked and I wanted to go so badly that I just threw myself into situations to be able to get asked. I felt like prom decided if you were good enough to love. Totally ridiculous, I know. I guess not so much on those levels but I don’t know how else to word it. But prom played such a big part in how I’ve acted the past couple of weeks and now that I know I’m not going, it’s like I can see clearly now. I think it’s for the better that I’m not going. Sure, I’m going to be disappointed when the day comes around and I see all my friends getting all dolled up. And it sucks listening to everyone plan it and hearing about dress shopping stories. And I’m going to be jealous seeing all the pictures on facebook of everyone having so much fun together. But in the end, I think it’s better that I’m not going. I’m keeping my head on straight. There’s no reason to try to force something to happen with someone because what joy is there in that? I want true love. I want to feel it from the beginning- or even not! I don’t care if it hits me by surprise and I end up falling for someone I least expected.

All I know is, I’m not going to rush into things anymore. I’m going to keep me eyes open wide and keep in mind that a relationship is not something I need right now. I have so many other things going for me that trying to look for one is not a task I need to add to my to-do list. When God thinks I’m ready to handle it, he’ll give it to me. This way, it’ll be that much more special. It’ll be worth waiting for. I have strong faith in that. I’m fine with being single. I think it’s best because this way, I can take care of myself. I don’t have someone else to be connected to. I only have to worry about my well-being and in the crazy life I’m living right now, I need all the time I can to de-stress. I’ve been in a low place for a bit now and I think I’m beginning to climb out of it. First step was realizing how important I am to myself. I need to be in the right mind set to be in a relationship so when I get myself together, maybe then something will come. Until then, I’m going to live the single life, happily and proud.

I realized that I’m one of those people that gets involved in romantic flings and such for the fun of it. For the chase. For the game in trying to get the other person to respond the same way. One of those people I always hated.

Isn’t only going for the chase basically leading someone on? Personally, I think that’s the worst thing you could ever do to a person. It toys with their emotions and can make people absolute messes.

But recently, I guess I’ve started having a thing with this guy? We text all the time and make references to things that are total flirty. The other day things started getting legit. And then he visited me at work today. That’s like, a big move I feel. And that’s when I noticed that I wasn’t really having fun anymore. The first few days, I would enjoy our conversations. I still do, I guess now I’m more cautious as to what I say. It’s hard to explain. But somebody out there has got to understand me.

I think this explains why I fall for all the wrong people. Everyone that I’ve been attracted to has been far out of my league. I always go for the “popular” kids or the athletes, or (this year primarily) the seniors. I suppose it’s not something I can necessarily control but it all makes sense. I fall for those that I believe I will never win over, if you will. The ones that I think I have to work hard for and impress incredibly so to get their attention. And then when I do get said attention, I just stop. I freak myself out and it all goes downhill from there.

That actually makes more sense. I’m not in it for the game. I’m not a player. It’s just, when the other person starts to show interest, I get too freaked out that I’ll mess it up which causes me to do so by overthinking everything. Does that make sense? Like, my mind gets all worked up when I realize that something is possible and that causes it to shut off. This pushes the other person away and I can never find out how far things could’ve developed. And now that I think about it, I have a theory for this too.

My experience in the love field has left wounds that cause my mind to malfunction when things start up with someone. Because of all the guys that have played me, my mind refuses to let it happen again. Since my heart still insists on letting people inside, my brain’s way of building a wall to keep people out is to shut down and not try to see where things could lead. It’s counteracting the actions of my heart because it knows how hard I take it when someone plays me. It’s been such a reoccurring theme in my life that my brain has learned that I can only take so much and it’s trying to protect me from more. While my heart yearns for love, my brain takes control and pushes everyone away.

My parents didn’t go to college. And I feel like because of that reason, they don’t want to help me figure out what I need to do to get into one. My school has these college visits and explanation teaching lessons things every now and then and today, there was one about filling out your college applications. Everyone in my class went. Except me. Because my mom said I didn’t need to. But she doesn’t understand because she never went through the process. She assumes that it’s going to be so easy but I really wanted to go to that meeting to make sure that when I do start filling things out, I don’t get overly stressed like I always do. And I tried telling her that but she just ignored me and told me to go by myself, except for the fact that it’s required to go with a parent.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t have anyone to go to for help about these things and even when I try to ask my parents, I don’t have complete faith in them because they’re as new as it as I am.

It’s times like this when I’m ashamed of them. I know a child should never say that. I love them, I really do. It’s just, I wish they did more with their lives and were able to provide for this family a little better. I feel like I might as well be growing up on my own.

preach it.

I hate goodbyes.I’m so horrible at them, I never know what to say or how to express all my love for someone and my heart just breaks each time I know the goodbye will be for a while. Today, I didn’t experience an actual goodbye but it might as well been.

Closing night of the musical I’m in is tomorrow. In which case, it’s all the seniors last show, leaving us with little talent. The environment will change completely. Today, the seniors passed down their legacies and we watched the half hour senior video. I don’t think I’ve ever laughed so hard in my life. Watching it, I realized how much I truly love each of them and how strong my relationships have gotten in just the past three months of the show.

My heart is breaking just thinking of it all ending.

I don’t want tomorrow to come. To see them leave the stage for the final time. To know I will never get to feed off their energy onstage or crack jokes backstage.

Driving home, my mind wandered to my life. Time flies by so quickly, we barely have a chance to grasp the moment. I feel like it was just yesterday when I cautiously got out of my mom’s car and said goodbye to my mom and sister, telling them to wish me good luck on my first day of high school. Now, I have such deep relationships with all different kinds of people that I never thought I’d get to meet. All of them have helped me grow someway. Whether it was from raising my confidence, teaching me to be less shy, or hurting me so I can learn something valuable for later; it has all affected me and shaped me to be the person I am now.

It sucks to think that the times I have with all these amazing people are limited. The seniors, a couple months. Everyone else, a little over a year. Then it’s off to a new chapter with new people. This part of my life will end and I will be forced to start new. I’m just getting comfortable in where I am right now and in a couple months, it’s all going to uprooted. I don’t want things to change. Sure, this are some things I wish I could fix; people that I still wish I were talking to. But for the most part, I love where I am right now. I’m happy with my group of friends, my grades, life in general.

But although that’s a great feeling, I keep going back to the thought that it’s all over in such a short time. So live up your life. Take advantage of every moment you get to do anything because you never know if or when those things will occur again. Appreciate what situations you are put into and value every friendship you make. Live with no regrets. Right now, you are the youngest you will ever be so why make the most of it?